He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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