Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
