sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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