So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
