i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
