yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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