There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
