i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
