I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
