She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize