I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
