There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
