Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
