Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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