come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I think we might need a safe word for this...
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
