Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
