and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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