I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Randomize
