I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize