I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
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