can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
