just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
