You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
