Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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