You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
