I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize