you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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