So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
