Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
