her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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