turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
