It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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