I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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