i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
