yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
