A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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