I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
