i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
