you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
And then my night got REAL pukey
we're so committed to being not committed
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
