I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
