Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
