if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
