rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Michael Bay diarrhea
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize