...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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