Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
