we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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