i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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