hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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