i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize