As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Randomize
