and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize