Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
