you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
