my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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