I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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