thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
