I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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