he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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