I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
